Sunday, December 04, 2005
Ahh the time and date thing is screwed.
After much careful observation and thought, I have come to a realisation that many people do different things to console themselves about their disadvantages. In a way, this might not be a bad thing but I would say the degree of them doing it sometimes do not fail to irk me out in a sense. Well, everyone has disadvantages alright. I have and I am sure. I am careless with my words. I am rash and I always sound fierce and someone always says I will be left on the shelf in the future. Some people are proclaim that they are outright hostile and born abnormal ( f0r eg: they say they carry no warmth in their physique) , well in actual fact they know they are normal and just erm not to normal according to their own expectations.
It boils down to the perception of yourself. Your character and up-bringing , hand in hand with your surrounding and influences would shape you into a completely different person from anyone else. ( well, explains the dna thing). Material wants ,the most obvious and flashy way of boosting ones personal pride. The invitation of envious swoons and attention. Then again, no harm if you have the money ( : ]) But I thought maybe self-help books might do a litte more good. Sigh.
I admit that I am flawful and I am not doing much about it. Sometimes I see my traits appear on characters while I am on the move. With stark realisation how ugly it seems, a pang of guilt swipes me in the face, leaving my face burning. The impression registers readily in my head therefore leads onto my attempt to erase that ugly trait. I learn from others and depend too much on them at the same time. I pick up the wrong things and instead of improving what I set out to do, I see myself slumping into worse situations. However, I live to learn but my obstinate character and the si3 ai4 mian4 zi quality often stumble my objectives.
The authority of my source matters. The attitude I give forth wavers. Its something that I yearn to discard. I hope to smile at that kind soul who readily offers help without taking into the account of his or her past doings. To start with , my family. Now that I sit here in deep retrospection, I feel the utmost guilt. Yes, they do interrupt me at times , wrong times and in turn I turn incredibly moody and sometimes even nasty. They take my words and in turn tempers flare and what has been already bad becomes worse. Yes, they are restrained with their words of praise but I do see that in their eyes and tones. They are free with their comments which I sometimes fault and take too much to heart. So much that I feel hurt and judge that they are so against me. Yes, they are indeed frustrated with my unruly attitude but they come down each morning as if nothing has happened the previous.
Is there a way of countering all these besides just learning to be a little more apathetic? Respect gathers dust in short due time when inspiration fails to arise and set me sailing again like a new gust of wind. My parents are my parents. I need to realise they have come a long way, esp my mom who has endured so much just to bring me into this world. I made them wait for 10 years and I am pissing them off like hell after just 15 years of my arrival. Shame on me.
Patience is a virtue and I will gently wait on for I would be enlightened in due time. I am willing to turn over a new leaf with the help of the genteel souls around me who are willing to brave the storms and still try to hold my hands even if I push them away out of anger. I am willing to redeem myself and make my parents happy , let them sleep in peace at night and not let their blood boil each time I carelessly whip out a hurtful and thoughtless comment.
I wouldnt say I have no warmth in my physique. I lack warmth. It kills and people think its okay. Well , it is not okay. The outward expression of ones emotions affects his/her surrounding much a tad then you think. Coldness would be greeted by coldness in return. The warmth and self induced hospitality is like a match lighten. It blows out but always remember you have a box full awaiting you. It pays to give and offer what you have. Being cold and selfish makes you unworthy of what the world has to offer. It kills the warmth in the people around you. A flick of water which extinguishes the match.
I guess I do not want to console myself about my disadvantages. Yes I do feel sorry for myself but at the same time I despise myself. I change and I work for the better so I despise myself less and less and I learn to truely love the people around me , appreciate them for who they are regardless of their doings. Everything has a meaning , a good meaning in them. ¶ 6:51 PM
After much careful observation and thought, I have come to a realisation that many people do different things to console themselves about their disadvantages. In a way, this might not be a bad thing but I would say the degree of them doing it sometimes do not fail to irk me out in a sense. Well, everyone has disadvantages alright. I have and I am sure. I am careless with my words. I am rash and I always sound fierce and someone always says I will be left on the shelf in the future. Some people are proclaim that they are outright hostile and born abnormal ( f0r eg: they say they carry no warmth in their physique) , well in actual fact they know they are normal and just erm not to normal according to their own expectations.
It boils down to the perception of yourself. Your character and up-bringing , hand in hand with your surrounding and influences would shape you into a completely different person from anyone else. ( well, explains the dna thing). Material wants ,the most obvious and flashy way of boosting ones personal pride. The invitation of envious swoons and attention. Then again, no harm if you have the money ( : ]) But I thought maybe self-help books might do a litte more good. Sigh.
I admit that I am flawful and I am not doing much about it. Sometimes I see my traits appear on characters while I am on the move. With stark realisation how ugly it seems, a pang of guilt swipes me in the face, leaving my face burning. The impression registers readily in my head therefore leads onto my attempt to erase that ugly trait. I learn from others and depend too much on them at the same time. I pick up the wrong things and instead of improving what I set out to do, I see myself slumping into worse situations. However, I live to learn but my obstinate character and the si3 ai4 mian4 zi quality often stumble my objectives.
The authority of my source matters. The attitude I give forth wavers. Its something that I yearn to discard. I hope to smile at that kind soul who readily offers help without taking into the account of his or her past doings. To start with , my family. Now that I sit here in deep retrospection, I feel the utmost guilt. Yes, they do interrupt me at times , wrong times and in turn I turn incredibly moody and sometimes even nasty. They take my words and in turn tempers flare and what has been already bad becomes worse. Yes, they are restrained with their words of praise but I do see that in their eyes and tones. They are free with their comments which I sometimes fault and take too much to heart. So much that I feel hurt and judge that they are so against me. Yes, they are indeed frustrated with my unruly attitude but they come down each morning as if nothing has happened the previous.
Is there a way of countering all these besides just learning to be a little more apathetic? Respect gathers dust in short due time when inspiration fails to arise and set me sailing again like a new gust of wind. My parents are my parents. I need to realise they have come a long way, esp my mom who has endured so much just to bring me into this world. I made them wait for 10 years and I am pissing them off like hell after just 15 years of my arrival. Shame on me.
Patience is a virtue and I will gently wait on for I would be enlightened in due time. I am willing to turn over a new leaf with the help of the genteel souls around me who are willing to brave the storms and still try to hold my hands even if I push them away out of anger. I am willing to redeem myself and make my parents happy , let them sleep in peace at night and not let their blood boil each time I carelessly whip out a hurtful and thoughtless comment.
I wouldnt say I have no warmth in my physique. I lack warmth. It kills and people think its okay. Well , it is not okay. The outward expression of ones emotions affects his/her surrounding much a tad then you think. Coldness would be greeted by coldness in return. The warmth and self induced hospitality is like a match lighten. It blows out but always remember you have a box full awaiting you. It pays to give and offer what you have. Being cold and selfish makes you unworthy of what the world has to offer. It kills the warmth in the people around you. A flick of water which extinguishes the match.
I guess I do not want to console myself about my disadvantages. Yes I do feel sorry for myself but at the same time I despise myself. I change and I work for the better so I despise myself less and less and I learn to truely love the people around me , appreciate them for who they are regardless of their doings. Everything has a meaning , a good meaning in them. ¶ 6:51 PM
