Saturday, August 13, 2005
the weekend is here again.
I guess I should not take the risk and let everything go to a waste. What do I stand to gain? So what if I get that chance, will I stand up and say I was meant to say, do what I was meant to do ? No, I wont. Deep inside, Im still a coward. I am so saturated with perverse thoughts that only infinte amount of assurance can subdue. However, I try to restructure my thoughts, put it in a different light, much hoping that I will feel better, not feel stupid. But I guess deep inside, I am still that kid who had committed that little street accident and since then had never recovered from it. To be held back by horrors of all horrors, to be injected with utmost paranoia, confusion and mostly fear. Fear of returning to what I had been. I dun want to return to what I had been , it was all wrong. I was selfish, I thought everyone thought like I did, I thought everyone was like me, cause then- I was self-centered, assuming, impatient and a fool.
Bonds forged seem to be on the verge of being broken, ties that had mended seem to be wearing out. What I had, I find so hard to hold on , yet I do not want to give it up. I fear losing the people who are so dear to me and I feel so guilty that I cannot find the time to keep up with them/ On special occassions, I get so caught up on things that concern me and myself, that I shove all arrangements to aside. Til everything ends, waves after waves of regret and disappointment would come over and over again. Time and again, I would tell myself, its okay , its not a big problem. I'm sure they wouldnt mind. I make a point to keep my subsequent promises but over and over again I do not live up to my words. Perhaps, a lepoard never changes its spots. I'll forever be so selfish and heartless, cause you knw what? I cant help myself.
I go through all crapshit to get what I want. All those crapshit put me in such bad light and I dint care, as long as I got what I wanted, its okay. NO PROBLEM. But what would people say ? Not that I care. But looking back, everything was wrong. I was downgrading myself. Letting myself be a laughing stock , the joke of the century. Leading myself into utter foolishness and prolly insignificance. Bad LIGHT bad light they say. It was as if I chose the path which was lit only by bad light. I am rude, crude i dun think with my head. I dont picture the consequences. I kill my hopes even before the challenge begins. Perhaps I would never be a somebody, no matter how i achieve for myself, its hard to shield away the aftermath of my uncaring deeds.
I have done too many wrong things, its hard to change. but gimme a chance, i'll try.
¶ 6:37 PM
I guess I should not take the risk and let everything go to a waste. What do I stand to gain? So what if I get that chance, will I stand up and say I was meant to say, do what I was meant to do ? No, I wont. Deep inside, Im still a coward. I am so saturated with perverse thoughts that only infinte amount of assurance can subdue. However, I try to restructure my thoughts, put it in a different light, much hoping that I will feel better, not feel stupid. But I guess deep inside, I am still that kid who had committed that little street accident and since then had never recovered from it. To be held back by horrors of all horrors, to be injected with utmost paranoia, confusion and mostly fear. Fear of returning to what I had been. I dun want to return to what I had been , it was all wrong. I was selfish, I thought everyone thought like I did, I thought everyone was like me, cause then- I was self-centered, assuming, impatient and a fool.
Bonds forged seem to be on the verge of being broken, ties that had mended seem to be wearing out. What I had, I find so hard to hold on , yet I do not want to give it up. I fear losing the people who are so dear to me and I feel so guilty that I cannot find the time to keep up with them/ On special occassions, I get so caught up on things that concern me and myself, that I shove all arrangements to aside. Til everything ends, waves after waves of regret and disappointment would come over and over again. Time and again, I would tell myself, its okay , its not a big problem. I'm sure they wouldnt mind. I make a point to keep my subsequent promises but over and over again I do not live up to my words. Perhaps, a lepoard never changes its spots. I'll forever be so selfish and heartless, cause you knw what? I cant help myself.
I go through all crapshit to get what I want. All those crapshit put me in such bad light and I dint care, as long as I got what I wanted, its okay. NO PROBLEM. But what would people say ? Not that I care. But looking back, everything was wrong. I was downgrading myself. Letting myself be a laughing stock , the joke of the century. Leading myself into utter foolishness and prolly insignificance. Bad LIGHT bad light they say. It was as if I chose the path which was lit only by bad light. I am rude, crude i dun think with my head. I dont picture the consequences. I kill my hopes even before the challenge begins. Perhaps I would never be a somebody, no matter how i achieve for myself, its hard to shield away the aftermath of my uncaring deeds.
I have done too many wrong things, its hard to change. but gimme a chance, i'll try.
¶ 6:37 PM
