Sunday, May 08, 2005
I AM SO DAMN PISSED.
a bout of anger just rushed up on me and splashed me in the face. i am all flushed up and my palms are sweaty and they are shaking slightly as i type this. im starting to breathe really hardly. shush. damn it. im so damn pissed. with what ? nothing in particular exactly. im pissed with everything.
im gg against everything , im being that stubborn force gg against the nature of life. im the red light to the on-going and smooth traffic. im the one " damnit outta tune " trumpet which wails off in the middle of a really nice song. im the one who sticks out like a sore thumb. im the one blob of black paint which spoils the whole pretty picture. im the blabbermouth who spouts nonsense which spoils the whole conversation. theres many things that i am. you name it.
im being such an asshole, degrading myself , pressing myself all the way down. but why do i still continue blabbering all this shit. cause im weird. i find comfort in doing all this. it makes me feel real. its dumb and stupid to be fake. its dumb and stupid to tell yourself that you are feeling good. you are having the best time of your life. sometimes it works, you feel a tad better as you are doing your daily stuff, but when the night falls and all becomes quiet. all that you have done , comes back to haunt you. they ask you, why the hell did you have to go against your principles ? why the hell did you have to force yourself to hold it back in ? why the hell did you have to do all you have done in the day ?
ever since i have stepped into this place, i told myself that changes were inevitable. but til now i still cant believe that the changes were so far beyond what i have expected. thoughts have ceased floating abt just on the surfaces of my brain , they have ventured deep down and have embedded into their various cortexes. and they just linger and linger and linger. i cant help not finding answers. i feeel misplaced if i were to ignore. i feel insecure not having answers. ultimately, i feel unreal without answers.
so whats the big deal abt being real ? whats the big deal abt knwing the truth. if it brings misery , wouldnt it be better if we were to contd living in a pack of lies. why have i suddenly become so hungry for REAL things, why has my brain suddenly become so hungry for information ? why am i wondering so much abt things that are UNIMPORTANT. darn.
i get so irritated with every word they say. they disrupt my plans. they are the anti-climaxes , they are the wet towels, they are the party-poopers.i just want to be left alone.sometimes being autistic might be a blessing, i might want to try being austitic one day and i may consider switching to it full time. i dun mind being deaf either. shut my ears to unneeeded comments and unnecessary absolutely unneccessary info.
i would love to sail away into the grey-skied morning. jsut like how king arthur did, and no one would knw what happen to me, and i wouldnt need to care what happens to everything that i leave behind. at the end of it all, i think im just too stressed , just like my shins, poor things, having so much impact. hmm unhealthy. ALL PUMPED and stuck at a spot, my brain. somewhat like my blue-black. hmmm . i have one on my palm and my knee.
maybe i should just go to sleep and everything would be fine tmr.
see. there are i go again. this is neverending. i guess i'l just have to live with it. or maybe any nice person would accompany me to the psychiatrist or counseller tmr. im serious. ¶ 11:24 PM
a bout of anger just rushed up on me and splashed me in the face. i am all flushed up and my palms are sweaty and they are shaking slightly as i type this. im starting to breathe really hardly. shush. damn it. im so damn pissed. with what ? nothing in particular exactly. im pissed with everything.
im gg against everything , im being that stubborn force gg against the nature of life. im the red light to the on-going and smooth traffic. im the one " damnit outta tune " trumpet which wails off in the middle of a really nice song. im the one who sticks out like a sore thumb. im the one blob of black paint which spoils the whole pretty picture. im the blabbermouth who spouts nonsense which spoils the whole conversation. theres many things that i am. you name it.
im being such an asshole, degrading myself , pressing myself all the way down. but why do i still continue blabbering all this shit. cause im weird. i find comfort in doing all this. it makes me feel real. its dumb and stupid to be fake. its dumb and stupid to tell yourself that you are feeling good. you are having the best time of your life. sometimes it works, you feel a tad better as you are doing your daily stuff, but when the night falls and all becomes quiet. all that you have done , comes back to haunt you. they ask you, why the hell did you have to go against your principles ? why the hell did you have to force yourself to hold it back in ? why the hell did you have to do all you have done in the day ?
ever since i have stepped into this place, i told myself that changes were inevitable. but til now i still cant believe that the changes were so far beyond what i have expected. thoughts have ceased floating abt just on the surfaces of my brain , they have ventured deep down and have embedded into their various cortexes. and they just linger and linger and linger. i cant help not finding answers. i feeel misplaced if i were to ignore. i feel insecure not having answers. ultimately, i feel unreal without answers.
so whats the big deal abt being real ? whats the big deal abt knwing the truth. if it brings misery , wouldnt it be better if we were to contd living in a pack of lies. why have i suddenly become so hungry for REAL things, why has my brain suddenly become so hungry for information ? why am i wondering so much abt things that are UNIMPORTANT. darn.
i get so irritated with every word they say. they disrupt my plans. they are the anti-climaxes , they are the wet towels, they are the party-poopers.i just want to be left alone.sometimes being autistic might be a blessing, i might want to try being austitic one day and i may consider switching to it full time. i dun mind being deaf either. shut my ears to unneeeded comments and unnecessary absolutely unneccessary info.
i would love to sail away into the grey-skied morning. jsut like how king arthur did, and no one would knw what happen to me, and i wouldnt need to care what happens to everything that i leave behind. at the end of it all, i think im just too stressed , just like my shins, poor things, having so much impact. hmm unhealthy. ALL PUMPED and stuck at a spot, my brain. somewhat like my blue-black. hmmm . i have one on my palm and my knee.
maybe i should just go to sleep and everything would be fine tmr.
see. there are i go again. this is neverending. i guess i'l just have to live with it. or maybe any nice person would accompany me to the psychiatrist or counseller tmr. im serious. ¶ 11:24 PM
